It is a tradition for us each year to follow up the Top DJs annual poll with our own, more accurate list of the Top 100 pieces of the electronic dance music industry… in the most satirical form possible.
We have compiled a bunch of noteworthy people, events and happenings to let you, the public, know the what's what and who's who of dance music over the last year. This list is absolutely offensive at times then entirely sincere at others, it is your Job to figure out which ones are which. It is entirely jaded, and some entries are specifically included to trigger people. There is honestly no order what so ever. This is also a massive joke and meant for good fun. A nice reprieve from the bizarre politics that sometimes follow this industry. So without a moment left to spare let us take a look back at the real top 100 of 2017.
When that “Massive DJ Has Passed Away” turns out to be some random dude from Phoenix, AZ who spun a wedding once. RIP guy.
99. Billy McFarland
Venture capitalist, associate of Ja Rule, and known FyreBro.
98. Rick & Morty’s Popularity Collapsing In On Itself Due To Obnoxious Fans
“To be fair, you have to have a very high IQ to understand Rick and Morty. The humour is extremely subtle, and without a solid grasp of theoretical physics, most of the jokes will go over a typical viewer’s head. There’s also Rick’s nihilistic outlook, which is deftly woven into his characterization- his personal philosophy draws heavily from Narodnaya Volya literature, for instance. The fans understand this stuff; they have the intellectual capacity to truly appreciate the depths of these jokes, to realize that they’re not just funny- they say something deep about LIFE. As a consequence people who dislike Rick & Morty truly ARE idiots- of course they wouldn’t appreciate, for instance, the humor in Rick’s existential catchphrase “Wubba Lubba Dub Dub,” which itself is a cryptic reference to Turgenev’s Russian epic Fathers and Sons. I’m smirking right now just imagining one of those addlepated simpletons scratching their heads in confusion as Dan Harmon’s genius wit unfolds itself on their television screens. What fools.. how I pity them.
And yes, by the way, I DO have a Rick & Morty tattoo. And no, you cannot see it. It’s for the ladies’ eyes only… and even then they have to demonstrate that they’re within 5 IQ points of my own (preferably lower) beforehand. Nothin personnel kid.
Sorry if this ranks on Google again, Excision‘s grandma.
96. Flatearthers and Specifically B.O.B.
While many artists chose to donate time and money to disaster relief, B.O. Fucking B. is trying to crowdfund a satellite to prove the Earth is flat.
Gary Richards went full savage when his contract with HARD ended and became CEO of it's chief rival. Suck of those nuts LiveNation.
Everyone lost their minds, when in reality this ‘latch' was far from broken.
This man, who is literally known for the proliferation of twerking called a side project with Skrillex too immature for his refined taste.
92. Donald Trump Staring Directly Into An Eclipse
Our President… Doing exactly what science said you shouldn't.
When you've done just a few too many MAJOR Key bumps.
By this measure, then Duke Dumont stole the melody for I GOT U from my head when I thought of it circa 2006.
89. Ja Rule
Honestly the most surprising thing about the entire Fyre Festival story is that Ja Rule had enough money left to invest in literally anything outside of food.
88. Cash Me Outside Girl Announcing Her DJ Alter Ego
This didn't actually happen. But you got a bit pissed off for a second there.
Honestly, we're shocked it didn't involve more dick.
Nothing says racial sensitivity like using literally this family to stop a protest/police riot, right Pepsi?
85. Adult Swim Premièring Rick and Morty on April Fool's Day
This was evil yet brilliant.
84. Daft Punk’s Grammy Performance
With all this hype around Alive 2017, there is no way these guys would show up in capes and do nothing for 3 minutes right? Wrong.
83. Vladimir Putin
It wouldn't be surprising if he had something to do with rigging this list tbh.
82. Jaime Sloane
Only publicist bad-ass enough to eat a broken knee like a champ and still travel the world.
81. Calvin Blocking Us On Twitter Because Taylor Swift News
Calvin, you can block us but you can't block your feelings love bug.
Where will you be when the acid kicks in?
79. Pickle Rick Samples That Burned Off After A Week
I blame Riddim.
Yeah, it was fake. But it was a good fake that we all totally fell for.
Carnage they told you RARE was ‘too urban' for Chicago because they didn't want to say that nobody would attend.
I can think of at least 7 better ways to get recognition than calling out the most beloved member of EDM. All of them don't include calling out Skrillex on some Duke Dumont level.
75. PR Firm Sending Us A Founding Member of Fyre Festival’s Phone Number When We Questioned Them About the Failed Event
Literally the best ‘not my problem' I have EVER seen.
74. Fyre Festival’s Instagram Manager Who Kept a Clean Grid Even as the Festival Failed
While were at it – let's give props to this person who lined the fuck outta the festival's Instagram even as the festival burst into flames (pun intended).
This was clever enough to mention.
72. Bassnectar disowning wooks
When 40 or 50 wooks come out of their K holes long enough to spew gibberish off their meaningless social media accounts it doesn't phase me
— Bassnectar (@bassnectar) July 19, 2017
BOLD MOVE COTTON LETS SEE HOW IT PLAYS OUT.
I just really feel like they should have seen this coming. Especially since the entire world did…
This was like way more dope than we even expected.
69. Steve Angello Opening With Heavy Christian Visuals On Good Friday
Nothing gets a crowd going like a 4 minute gospel intro. I don't know about this edgy Steve.
68. Fyre Festival
67. Claptone for still being a total fucking mystery in the digital age
I honestly don't even think the guys who are part of Claptone know what is going on any more.
66. The One Song Soundcloud Playlist
If I gotta click like 6 times to make a song play, I probably am not going to end up listening.
65. Dancing Astronaut For Commenting On Artist's Facebook Post
We're not the first ones to notice the gifs everywhere.
64. Chance The Rapper Doing Something To Save Soundcloud
What's the definition of a ‘very fruitful call'.
Man I was just so entirely wrong about this. I spent like 4 hours on it too.
This line up was dope, but how you gonna make G-Eazy a headliner over Porter Robinson. God dammit this is why y'all need Gary Richards LiveStyle.
— Chaaarrkkkkiiiiii (@Skreenlooker89) May 6, 2017
No better way to spend a day which you paid hundreds of dollars to attend than sit in on spot and ignore all music going on around you.
This was a fun moment.
I still am grasping at straws to explain this…
58. Relax Your Anus Guy From Tomorrowland
This will go down in history as the greatest Tomorrowland moment of all time.
57. The Llama That The Middlelands Bass Killed. RIP.
Poor Llama, he didn't ask for the bass, the bass just found him and took him.
56. EDM Trump account
— Trump EDM (@trumpEDM) October 17, 2017
Making EDM Great Again.
55. Getter Actually Being A Badass Rapper
I was so ready for this to absolutely suck but like it's dope…
So my sister has gone on a couple of dates with a guy named Wyatt but she likes someone else so she made him a Spotify playlist and… pic.twitter.com/kJmgrUBwqb
— Erika (@errikkxa) April 4, 2017
Obviously the kid could not eat ass well enough to get a Spotify playlist about how awesome he was.
53. Fyre Festival Sandwich
Nothing says luxury experience like bread and cheese.
52. Odesza Dropping Some Ridiculously Good Music
For real that album was absolutely magical.
51. Katy Perry Losing Her Marbles
There is either some really good, or really bad cocaine going around the music industry right now. Thankfully we now have backpack kid.
50. Diplo Parody Account And Everyone Who Awkwardly Fought With It
moe looking like a Spiderman remake where he dresses like a 2008 hypebeast and shoots bad music & opinions out of his hands instead of web pic.twitter.com/T3Iu39ayhS
— Diplo (@_diplo_) September 26, 2017
How you gonna beef with the fictional representation of an actual person, whose main focus is to shit post.
49. Chipotle’s Sandy Ass Queso
This was the let down of 2017. We ask for years, we don't even bitch about the constant food poisoning, and you repay us with gritty ass queso, dammit chipotle.
This guy is still my hero. Also loved getting chewed out by the wook community for making light of this situation. Stay woke fam.
My dude just fell off the face of the earth for a quick minute, then returned with no explanation.
The new bots aren't the same. Cheat Codes liked liked 40 pictures of my dog that had nothing to do with EDM…
45. Cat Dealers
— DJ Mag (@DJmag) October 21, 2017
Whomst The Fucc Are These Guys. Nothing says paid entry like a random duo with under 10K Twitter followers ranking above Flume on The Top 100.
44. Tom Petty
We miss you Tom. Thanks for the memories.
43. The amount of different articles we published telling you people that Marshmello is Dotcom yet you still eat them all up
We will stop posting articles about every time Marshmello is caught slipping about his identity as soon as tens of thousands of you stop reading each one.
42. Gorillaz Album That Was Strictly Features
Lets be honest…What a let down.
Honestly we are entirely for this celebrity couple. Martua Lirax for ever.
40. Rusko Kicking Cancer’s Ass
3 rounds in…
CHEMO FRESSHHHH & smiling everyday xx xx pic.twitter.com/yzuMP8zVct
— rusko (@ruskoofficial) July 7, 2017
We are all pulling for you Rusko, keep kicking cancer's ass.
39. Super Serious Riddim Kids
You cannot honestly devote your life to something that is like 4 years old and already on it's way out.
38. Soundcloud Dying Like 45 Times In One Week
There was that stretch back in like July where I am pretty sure Soundcloud didn't actually exist.
They are truly the Trump University of EDM.
36. Deadmau5 cussing on our Twitter feed
please don't swear on our profile. Thanks!
— EDM Sauce (@EDMsauce) March 25, 2017
Don't swear on our profile thanks!
35. Spicy Pie Pizza Holding Down Every Fest
Pineapple does belong on pizza, as long as it includes jalapeños and red pepper flakes and served in the middle of Rothbury.
34. The Chainsmokers New Album Featuring Entirely Too Much Vocals By Drew
Okay look…we get a track here or there. But you are a DJ not a vocalist man, leave it to Halsey to stay on top of the charts.
There is something about flying planes and desperately needing to take a lot of ecstasy in 2017.
When you've run out of ideas and just think…”what would make the most ridiculous headline?”
31. Zedd For Creating ACLU Benefit Show Because Trump Doesn't Understand The Constitution
Before you get all upset, federal courts agree with me and not you. Also gotta love foreign DJs stepping up to protect the rights of our country.
In hindsight it has been a really weird year considering an Indonesian bus horn got like 12 remixes.
Well that was easy. Dan, word of advice for your drive home, stay in your lane. And don't shit tweet the acts and fans who pay your bills. https://t.co/c9Jur7UWOx
— dead mow cinco (@deadmau5) April 10, 2017
Take is from someone who has continually pissed off Joel on Twitter, he is gonna see anything about him. \
28. Alive 2017
There still has to be some hope. ITS ONLY OCTOBER. Just wait. NYE, Daft Punk Reunion. It's Happening.
27. iHeartRaves founder trying to do an AMA on Reddit, but instead it becomes a roast
If you are going to try to use the internet as a marketing tool, remember that it is a cynical and dark place.
26. United Airlines Whooping That Doctors Ass
At what point did the flight attendants realize that they fucked up entirely? Honestly it still beats Spirit.
25. That fake picture of DJ Snake with Lazy Eyes
I honestly just giggled and at least forcefully exhale through my nostrils a few times every time I see it.
24. SpOnGeBoB MemE
The meme we did not deserve in 2017. But truly the meme we needed.
23. People Who Comment On FB Posts Without Reading The Article
Nothing is edgier or cooler than trying to act like you know what you're talking about.
We, The EDM Community, accept Will Smith's retirement from making dance music.
21. Slushii Bot Commenting A Fire Emoji on an RIP Post
DJs: if youre trash enough to run an instagram comment bot on your account can you at least make sure it doesnt comment on RIP posts? pic.twitter.com/Ua0DQcuf77
— Diplo (@_diplo_) October 4, 2017
This is why it is best no to allow robots to control any aspect of your life.
20. Kim Jung Un and His crisp Ass Haircut
Dotard or not, my man's got a clean fade.
19. Fidget Spinners
As much as I wanted to hate fidget spinners they are just so damn satisfying.
18. McDonalds For Causing Riots Over Garlic Teriyaki Sauce
How are you going to let like 70 sauces total leak to restaurants where people are camping out in front of.
17. Pasquale Rotella Teasing the Teasers of the Teasers For The EDC Date Change
Pasquale Rotella is arguably a marketing genius but he also wins the award for most insane and ridiculous social media build up on the year.
16. Steve Aoki Placing In DJ Mag Top 10 After Only Making Hip Hop in 2017
There is EDM featuring rap lyrics but then there is just straight hip hop. Come on Steve you can do better.
15. The Fact That Riddim Is Really Just Fast Dubstep
If you got super triggered by this then Monxx probably still owes you a shirt.
It was so bad, Johnny Deep dropped to his knees somewhere when it was released.
Their socials went totally dark, cryptic messages were sent out. Then literally nothing happened and they kept releasing music as normal.
12. The Porchella Guys Being Real Heroes of Festival Vids
These are literally the best representation of dance music culture in recent memory.
Is Skrillex going to stop making EDM because he did vocals for his old band? Lots of people thought this, but Skrillex showed that EDM is still his main focus.
Marc Zuck needs your data to sustain himself.
9. Dimitri Vegas For Blocking Us On Twitter After 1 Bad Review
This isn't DJ Mag DV, you actually have to make good music to get recognition.
Hey Moe. It's us. Sorry for all the articles. We promise we will cut down on some in 2018.
Paging Dr. Harris, that is not how vaccines work ya doofus.
We are happy that Avicii is doing well but that is like A LOT of DMT man.
When your production ability increases in quality by the factor of 10 in like two months, someone is gonna call you out guys.
4. Unicorn Frappuccinos
Nothing says EDM like brightly colored, majestically named over priced sugar beverage.
We have seen some celebrities lose their minds. But this takes the cake, especially as he didn't follow it up with anything. He just dressed up like Power Rangers villain cause he is out of his mind.
2. Justin Kleinfeld
Sorry Justin, maybe next year you can finally top the list…
1. Various Last Minute Canceled Music Festivals
Here is a secret to event planning, stop undershooting your projected budget, then lie to investors. ALL WE ARE IS DUST IN THE WIND.